Saturday, October 18, 2014

Indian Summer

It arrived on Tuesday.

The temperature rose above 25 C with this particular combination of warmth and coolness so typical to this time of the year.

The sun is signing his swan song.

I was to do some work around the house but instead, I went for a long walk along the river.

St-Lawrence. The Great.

MY river.

Click all pictures to enlarge in new window

The autumn colors are slowly fading away.

On the week days, I have the entire place all to myself. Only a few loners like me wander around silently, lost in their thoughts.

The light is so crisp and clear. And the smell... Ah, the smell of the dead leaves and the sound they make while I walk on them is simply intoxicating.

Some aster-like flowers are making the most of the last warm days.

It's the best time to pay a little visit to my favorite burger place in town.

It's about 11:30 AM and I'm hungry.

No doubt this is the last opprtunity to eat outside this year.

Burger with a view!

I forgot to ask for a toasted bun.

And I was sure I had asked for a pepsi...

Oh well... Still delicious.

I so often sat at this table and never before have I noticed the bridge! Can you see it?

Lemme zoom in.

Last Monday was Thanksgiving here in O Canada.

It is also on this same day that Michel passed away five years ago.

He actually died on the 11th, but the number 11 means nothing to me.

I can't believe how difficult it is for me to express my feelings.

I know very well how I feel. It just seems that no word is good enough.

And language isn't the problem here for I have as much difficulty in French as I have in English.

I am standing here, by the river and I am amazed at how calm and peaceful everything is in my life right now,

Nothing is happening.

I've got no project.

I let go of all my dreams. None of them ever came true anyways.

I have no goals, nothing to look forward to.

And I am fine.

Oh, so fine!

I recently realized that I haven't had one single panic attack in more than two years.

Twenty five years of hard work did pay off finally.

Mom is doing great too.

She also have found some peace of mind of her own, not without putting some hard work though.

Peace of mind just don't happen!

It's been 14 years since her first breakdown.

I remember very well that day, in october 2000, when I found her laying on the floor, crying and moaning, not wanting to get up.

"I am nothing. Everyone just keep walking on me. I am just a worm."

She just kept saying this over and over. It took me at least ten minutes to gently convinced her to come sit down with me on the bed.

She had spent all her life trying to live according to what was expected of her hoping that, one day, she would find happiness.

But happiness never came.

I gave up everything. job, career, friends, social life, to take care of her.

I knew it would be a long road. I had been through it myself.

One by one, we put the pieces of the puzzle back together.

Letting go.

I talked a lot about this in my previous posts. Letting go of anger, bitterness and resentment.

Letting go of this obsession we have with performance, perfection, excelling, producing and success.

Life has nothing to do with success. Let go of it.

This is a long process.

It can take years to achieve.

So many evenings I have spent in my room, all by myself, thinking and thinking...

So many hours spent trying to put the piece of my own puzzle together.

How many times have I heard people telling me to stop thinking and live my life. "You're thinking too much Jon". It never seem to occur to them that maybe they are the ones who aren't thinking enough.

They don't seem to understand (or they don't WANT to understand) that thinking IS my life.

I am not a dreamer. I am a thinker.

After all, I am not complaining.

They, on the other hand, are always complaining and bitching about everything.

They complain about their job, their boss and their co-workers.

Or they complain about they relatives, friends and neighbours

They complain about the world, politicians, corporations, rich people, stupid people...

They complain and complain and bitch and rant about all the shit they get.

And they keep getting shit all the time.

I used to be like that too.

I've learned that life isn't good to those who always whine and complain.

I saw it in my own life and I saw it in the lives of eveyone around me.

That also I had to let go.

Let go of the constant bitching and criticising.

Let go of always talking about what people do, don't do, should or shouldn't do.

Let go of always wanting to be right. 

Let go of all the sarcasms.

Oh, those biting sarcasms!

They make us feel like we are so bright and smart, but it's all a lie.

Our sarcasms are only a mask that hides our incapacity to be honest with ourselves, to look clearly at our flaws and make the proper changes in our lives.

I know they never made my life any better.

Neither did all my bitching and ranting about this crazy world we live in.

All it did is bring me down more and more. It had a negative influence on my attitude and behaviour and I ended up hurting myself and hurting a lot of people I care about.

And as I'm almost done with my little promenade, more thoughts are coming to my mind.

When I talked about letting go, I don't mean getting rid of anything.

We cannot get rid of anger, bitterness or resentment.

I still get angry and pissed off sometimes, but when I do, I immediatly let go of it and try to look calmly at the whole situation. If I can do something, I'll try it, otherwise, I move on. I'd rather keep my energy for things I can actually change.

I took me some time to get to this point but now, I don't hold onto my feelings because I learned that I am not my feelings. Feelings come and go. They don't define who I am at all.

The more I let go, the less shit I get.

And it's the same thing with the past.

I cannot get rid of my past. It's my own "history". I cannot forget it and don't want to forget it either.

I often felt that my life was a mess because of my past, but, after a lot of thinking and if I really want to be honest with myself, my messy life was mostly due to the fact that I was repeating the same thought patterns and behaviours over and over again, patterns that were instilled into me during my childhood, by my family, my clan, my tribe, school, religion, my culture, etc. 

I understood that all I needed to do was to recognize those patterns, learn how they work and change those that were not bringing anything good in my life..

The past will come back to my mind. It's a natural thing I guess. All I do is acknowlege it, accept it and simply repeat to myself that I don't need it right now.

At first, I had to repeat this many times every day. But the more I did it, the less the past clinged on me.

This also takes a lot of time.

And time we don't have much, do we?

Life is so short. We must run, run, run, and do as much stuff as possible and buy as much stuff as we can afford and if we can't afford it, there's always the Holy Credit Card to come to our rescue. Our value depends on our performance and our possession.

We want to have it all. But at what cost.

Am I being sarcastic?

Anyhow, I'm almost done here. This post is getting redundant.

It's almost Sunday and the indian summer is over.

Am I happy? I don't think so. Only selfish people can claim happiness in this world.

I gave up on happinness and the day I did, the sadness also went away.

Not happy but at peace.

At peace with the past.

At peace with the world.

And at peace with myself.

That, I sure know.

Maybe the next step is to let go of my peace of mind!